Life with a family member  that has a substance addiction   is a on going  nightmare , you never know how the day is going to end ,and you wonder where it all started ..was it a tramadic event ..a family history or are they just spoil and used to getting their own way ,what makes life so bad that they want to smoke or drink it away ? I don’t think I’ll ever understand …My life is a nightmare watching them  but I chose not to follow ,I realized after my own tramadic event that the sky is blue and I’m loved and wanted .I have a scar to reminded me how bad it got but now I can see and tell others you can see the sky tho the pain   I just wish they would listen ,Wonder who’s pain is the worst their or your watching and knowing they wont let u help ,is my way better ? I don’t know when things are tough for me I bite my nails or dig at bug bites if I have them  I try to distract myself by reading or hiking but sometimes I don’t even realize I have done that until my nails hurt or I’m bleeding maybe we do have some mental issue that is family related :/  or maybe I’m just grasping for some kind of answer : feeling sad and confused


Walking in the rain

it was a little muggy out tonight to hike with my pack so I went for a walk with Lou instead we was caught in a gentle rain  and a neighbor dog joined us  it was just a lovely way to spend time with my girl and my thoughts  ( I’m not giving up I will one day hike the AT )  the joy on my girls face makes me smile and she is now curled up at the foot of my bed happy that I got to spend time with her off to the chat room to learn about cool hiking gear /read some FANFIC ..and FB LOL

Yea 2 days in a row

Ok got up this morning at 3am cause someone tried to get in the house  now my youngest child heard them and she came woke her Dad and I up ..needless to say we was armed and ready ..but could not see anyone  ..GRRRR so child(17yrs) cuddled up to me in bed and Her Dad and I stayed awake ..made for a very long day , now on to night time job ..but making plans for a adventure on the river this weekend or a horse ride with friends  maybe ..BOTH

WOW I’m so bad at blogging LOL

it has been a wile but here is the update : no longer in school ..yea it kicked my A big time  plus I don’t need the degree any more for my job . on the other up side My husband and I this past yr have gotten very close ..He is my best friend on 2 legs   Have gotten a new lease on life and decided at 45 I needed to live  so now a yr later …I bought a horse  QH named Freckles and I have a dog Pit bull named Louise ,I hike ,fish ,camp ,kayak,  hunt  garden..I love spending time outdoors   and My hubby goes with me as well as my Dog Lou and sometimes the kids


well I’m in collage now and I must say going back at my age has been Hard as Hell I only have 3 classes  but 2 of them is English and being out 20= yrs much has changed not sure how I will make it there is no time to get things done anymore and what I get done is half fast ..sigh I feel like a failure before I even start